The Everything Box by Richard Kadrey

25817389Title: The Everything Box
Author: Richard Kadrey
Pages: 352
Year: 2016
Publisher: HarperCollins
Time taken to read: 1 week, 2 days
Rating: 1/5

Goodreads synopsis2000 B.C. A beautiful, ambitious angel stands on a mountaintop, surveying the world and its little inhabitants below. He smiles because soon, the last of humanity who survived the great flood will meet its end, too. And he should know. He’s going to play a big part in it. Our angel usually doesn’t get to do field work, and if he does well, he’s certain he’ll be get a big promotion. And now it’s time . . . The angel reaches into his pocket for the instrument of humanity’s doom. Must be in the other pocket. Then he frantically begins to pat himself down. Dejected, he realizes he has lost the object. Looking over the Earth at all that could have been, the majestic angel utters a single word. “Crap.” 2015. A thief named Coop-a specialist in purloining magic objects-steals and delivers a small box to the mysterious client who engaged his services. Coop doesn’t know that his latest job could be the end of him-and the rest of the world. Suddenly he finds himself in the company of the Department of Peculiar Science, a fearsome enforcement agency that polices the odd and strange. The box isn’t just a supernatural heirloom with quaint powers, they tell him. It’s a doomsday device. They think. . . And suddenly, everyone is out to get it.

Most of the time that I was reading this book, I thought it was the author’s first book. It was only like three-fourths of the way through that it’s like his tenth book or something, and I was like, Oh my God, ten books later and he still sucks. I have an ARC, so the comma placement might be better in the actual copies, but in this copy at least, I was adding commas everywhere. Literally adding commas, with my red pen. As for the story…I still don’t even really know what happened, to be honest. There were so many characters that I didn’t really care for any of them because I didn’t know who was who. In the notes I took, I wrote that I “liked the angels, I guess,” but I finished this book a month ago and at this point I can’t remember who the angels were, so obviously they didn’t stick out in my mind enough to last even a month.

I feel like the dry, sarcastic, creative humor was supposed to be the best part of the book, but honestly it was so irritating. There were so many long ass similes and metaphors that no one would ever be able to come up with in casual, unscripted conversation. I felt like I was watching a sitcom with extremely bad actors. A lot of the little side conversations that are supposed to be humorous are funny in theory, but they go on far too long and appear far too often. Honestly, this book is a waste of time–just watch Supernatural instead. And seriously, I don’t give one-star reviews often, but here we are.

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